The Pain of Not Remembering

Technology is a wonderful thing, allowing us the ability to see things we could never see or know before. But even something as amazing as Google Maps cannot resolve the mysteries of memory.

When we left South Africa in about 1972 we spent the first year near Durham in an area known as Newton Hall. Even though I was only there for about a year somehow the place help an importance for me that still resonates today.

However, the problem is that while I do have certain memories and certain information, there are gaps. These gaps come back to haunt me, so to speak, from time to time. I then set out upon an ardent journey to try and discover or perhaps better said to recover the information that I believe will calm my mind and soul.

Finchale Primary School

I know this was the school I went to because my mother provided me with the information. I have two very distinct memories from the time there.

Firstly, of being punched in the stomach while waiting in line on the playground for something to happen.

The second thing was a game of hide and seek and my first ever close contact with a girl. We were in the same class I believe and we briefly kissed. It was probably only on the cheek but I still recall this moment more than 45 years later and I still remember her name.

The school in Newton Hall still exists today but I believe it does not look quite the same as when I was there. Still, good to know something remains as a focal point.

Our House

This is the main problem I face in terms of memory. I have vague notions of where we where and of a wooded area close by. I recall a house with two floors and the bedrooms on the upper one.

My mother sent a photo of me standing out front but other than the house number there are no real clues as to the location. The house build is typical 70s and all the houses in the street look the same. I believed I had narrowed it down but somehow things did not look right. I used street view and satellite view but neither offered me what I wanted, namely a definitive a-ha moment that I had found our old house.

Perhaps I will never really know. I have not had the opportunity to return there and do not know if I ever will.

Final words

I know there is something desperate about wanting to know where our old house was located in Newton Hall. I know I have probably spent too much time and energy on this search.

Why do I keep looking? A very good question. I think there is something inside me that needs to know, needs to affirm or confirm who I am or who I was back then.

There are times I still think about that girl and wonder what might have been. There are times of sadness that I cannot remember why that child hit me or why it has remained in my mind all these years.

There are also times I feel angry that my parents are unable to fill these information gaps for me so that I can, finally, put my mind at ease about where we lived during that first year in a new country.

Perhaps I will never know and I suppose I will have to live with it. But it makes me sad and it is the kind if sadness I seem unable to shake off and detach myself from once and for all.